How I Got Over My Ex
Our relationship has been a roller coaster. We’d known each other since childhood, but we’d only been dating for ten days when he moved from Connecticut to Pennsylvania and into my tiny one-bedroom apartment. We were planning our wedding a few months later, debating which guest favors we would choose and stopping by jewelers to try on engagement rings. I was ecstatic, giddy, and convinced he was “the one.”
Then we found ourselves on the rocks. Even the shortest phone talks were disrupted by arguments. Trips over the weekend ended in tears and cursing.
I found myself sitting in my parked car, eight months after our relationship began, phoning his number in a frenzy and confusion. I informed him, “I’m not getting what I need.”
In the nights that followed, I went through the dramatic push-pull experience that everyone goes through right after a breakup: feeling on top of the world and triumphant in my decision one minute, certain that my ex would come crawling back, confident that I had made the right decision, and then suddenly heartbroken, afraid, and completely numb the next. I sobbed into his answering machine. I sat by my window, repeating the song “A Case of You.” I was wallowing in my misery.
An evolutionary psychologist at St. Louis University gave me some insight into the science behind my sadness when I chatted with him. According to him, falling in love has the same cerebral circuitry as cocaine addiction.
“Falling in love appears to be an addictive process,” he explained. “You have this compulsion to get that fix by being around the person you care about.”
So my breakup felt like I was going through a drug withdrawal? Yes, he said.
He explained, “We have this widespread idea that, ‘Oh, it’s just a breakup, it’s not that big of an issue.'” “On the other hand, it can be a major thing emotionally, and [breakups] can be a risk factor for depression, which is a serious clinical disease. There’s a real analogue for a broken heart, quote. That reasoning is based on physiological considerations. [Breakups] can put one’s health in jeopardy.”
This describes how I felt after the breakup: physically unwell, weary, and heartbroken. During one of these really low points, I was scared into rage – rage at my ex, rage at myself, rage at this whole idiotic situation. How dare he not make a bigger effort to save this relationship? How dare something so hopeful and lovely come to an end? But, most crucially, how dare I, an ardent feminist who continually promotes women’s independence, glory, power, and endurance, dishonor women by acting as if my life was over because of a breakup? What had actually occurred here? I’d lost a man, a friend, and a companion, but not my identity.
So I set out on a mission to reclaim myself, to use this breakup as an opportunity for rebirth and self-discovery rather than an excuse to wallow in self-pity. I tried everything from reconnecting with old pals to barring my ex on every social media platform I could think of.
Here’s a list of things to try, along with a candid appraisal of how each one went.
1) I said yes to every social invitation
How Effective: 9/10
I vowed to accept any social invitation that came my way for the first several weeks after the breakup. This was the most intelligent decision I could have made. I went to the beach after purchasing new bathing suits. In the sun, I took selfies. I went to cast parties and sat in a moist lawn with other tipsy theater kids in a snuggling pile. I kissed my co-stars and sang along to Sara Bareilles’ Never Have I Ever while sitting around a campfire. For the first time since I started seeing my ex, I went partying. I discovered my independence.
It was very liberated to go clubbing. I was ecstatic and rebellious after the breakup. I went to gay bars and celebrated my bisexuality, separating myself from my prior relationship and affirming my queer identity. I danced on the roofs of bars and on the stages of nightclubs. I wore the shortest skirts, the highest heels, and the brightest red lipstick I could find. I jumped right into my Snapchat tale. I grabbed number after number, grinned as big as I could, and walked out of the clubs fatigued, sore, satisfied, and alone. I slept like a starfish in my bed, allowing myself to take up the entire room.
2) I nourished by body with healthy food and exercise
How Effective: 7/10
The farmers market has become a weekend tradition for me. I purchased myself lush greens, small summer squash, luscious orchard apples, and cold lemonade when shopping with my aunt. I gave in to my body’s demands. Recipes were planned ahead of time. I brewed mugs of green tea and French-press coffee following mugs of green tea. I completely overindulged myself. If I spotted a chocolate bar I liked in the supermarket, would I buy it? It belonged to me. What about those vegan marshmallows? What’s to stop you? My oyster was the entire globe.
It was fun to go to the farmers market and create a treat-myself food mentality. When I got home, I realized I’d have to consume these bounty by myself? Not at all.
Thankfully, my efforts to be good to my body didn’t end there. I purchased a basic yoga pass at a nearby studio, and the entire experience was amazing. I took a deep breath, stretched, shook, and repeated the mantra: “On my mat, I am the only person.” Yoga practice became a means for me to center myself in my own body and presence. It was all about taking care of myself and recovering from a psychological trauma. It enabled me to realize how I was hurting without giving in to it. It was fantastic. I felt strong, serene, and whole when I left the studio. Even if the sensation only lasted five minutes, those five minutes were lovely.
3) I blocked my ex on every social media channel I could think of
How Effective: 7/10
I’m a stalker on Facebook. I’m an Instagram fanatic, a Snapchat user, and a regular social media user. This characteristic was poisonous just after a breakup. I was overjoyed to be able to brag about my new life and happiness, yet even a single update from my ex would leave me devastated, confused, and longing him.
I spent the afternoon of the day he started sharing images of himself with other women feeling sick, angry, and betrayed. So, rather than giving up my social media accounts and the small sense of security they provided, I blocked him. On the whole. I deactivated his Snapchat and Instagram accounts. On Facebook, I had him blocked. His email address was removed from my address book. I deleted his phone number from my “favorites” list.
Blocking was a brilliant action. It not only prevented me from viewing any potentially heartbreaking posts, but it also prevented me from putting superfluous fluff in order to make my life appear lively and gratifying in the event that my ex happened to peek at my profiles. My life is fascinating and wonderful, and not having to prove it has allowed me to fully engage in and enjoy it.
4) I downloaded dating apps and started dating again — casually
How Effective: 4/10
This was the most terrifying aspect of my post-breakup transformation. After Tom and I split up, I promised myself that I would not have a serious relationship for at least a year. He was, however, the last person I kissed. The last person with whom I had shared a bed. Last person to play with my hair and warm my (always, always) frigid toes. I immediately thought of him when I thought of intimacy and flirtation. It made the idea of dating a complete nightmare, which is why I (re)downloaded Tinder and began chatting with new individuals.
I felt cheated and terrible at first, as if I was betraying my ex or making false promises to these new partners. However, after a few weeks, I met some amazing folks. I went out for coffee and lunch with men and women who were clever, accomplished, ambitious, affectionate, and warm, and whose company reminded me that I was bright, charming, and desirable myself. These folks treated me as if I were intriguing, and I felt the same way.
5) I threw myself into my work and career
How Effective: 10/10
Although the split crushed my emotions, it encouraged me to focus on my job and professional aspirations. I’ve been offered two competitive public health jobs and a fellowship with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention since the breakup. I’ve been inspired to study for graduate school and law school admissions examinations. I’ve been able to focus solely on my work with no interruptions.
As I’ve happily nurtured my ambition, the independence of not having to consider another person’s objectives has been a saving grace for my self-love. I accepted a new position with a higher title and returned to gender-based violence prevention, a sector in which I am really interested. I presented my first talk to university students at the age of 22 on sex trafficking and wartime sexual violence as human rights violations.